The night before the big day, a year later. This is my letter to you.....

March 27, 2018

The day before surgery.

The night before surgery- March 27th, 2017. I was shaking, I was scared, I was excited, I was happy, but more than anything I was ready to start over. I looked at myself one last time in the mirror and reminded myself that this upcoming journey was not for anybody but myself. I LOVED myself, and in that same moment I made myself a few new promises. 

“I promise through the thick and thin of the rest of my life, no matter how down on myself I may be, I will not give up. I will make an Instagram, and be vulnerable, and honest with people going through this journey. I will not loose sight in why I am going on this journey. I will keep a blog. I will NEVER use photoshop again to edit my body. I will love myself endlessly. Lastly, I  promised myself that March 28th was my new life. For me that meant many things: No more negativity in my life. No more lies. No talking badly about people. While there were many “No’s” I also promised myself happy things- “When you set a goal, and you reach it, reward yourself. Promise to laugh more. Promise to love. Promise to support those around you, and those that reach out. Promise to work your hardest to be the best you can be, so then you can help people. Remember that when someone judges you for posting a picture, THIS is YOUR journey. You are not doing this for others approval. You are posting to inspire other people, and if someone hates on it.. then that is their opinion. EVERYONE has one.”
I know for a fact that making these promises to myself changed and shaped my journey. These promises have helped me stay grounded, when I feel like I am on top of the world. Some other things that have helped me stay on the right path are, my faith, my FAMILY, my love for myself, the support from such an amazing weightloss community on Instagram, and my music.

One year later, March 27th, 2018- Here is the my advice to the person on the night before anything monumental- and life changing:

  • Focus on why you are changing your life, and what has made you want to make that change. Never loose sight in that. You can be nervous, in fact, if you’re not.. you are a weirdo. Jk 
  • BUT seriously, go through all of the emotions. Live. Don’t be scared about judgement from other people, because ultimately you are the one that is going to be overcoming something HUGE, drastic, and YOU are making the change. 
  •  
  • Believe in yourself. I had to. I didn’t. That night was the night that I did. I took this picture and I said I love myself. I knew it would be my last before picture, before I turned into a cutting board the next day. (By the way… my scars… are MY story, and I love them)
  • Sleep well, say a little prayer, dream about your future, it is about to get REAL. 
  • Lastly, Congratulations, you are doing it, and that means are just this much closer to reaching a goal, your first goal. Go live your life- IT is time!

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3.15.18

A blog about 3.15.17.

 2 days before surgery

 

I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now it is unbelievable. I remember this day like it was yesterday. One year ago today.. I had the biggest emotional break down of my entire life. Lauren Solomon, my sister, was holding me on my bed in Mexico, while I balled crying to her about how I was conflicted. I was unsure. I was scared. I was terrified of the unknown. I was fearful. Realizing soon after that darkness is the absence of light, and fear is simply the absence of faith. I wasn't trusting in God because I was terrified of not knowing what would happen in my future.

My fears also being: "What if I can never eat normally again? What am I going to do at my wedding when I can't drink champagne? What if all of my hair really does fall out? Why can't I just be normal and eat what normal people eat? I just don't understand." 

These thoughts flooded my mind and crowded my perception. People ask me, what were your doubts going into surgery.. well.. there they were. Lauren looked and reminded me to trust in what my grandfather has always told her. The big W and the little w, God's will and your will. There was my second chance at life, and I didn't know when else this could be a possibility. 

It hit me that night. I finally could see a light. I could visualize a possitive, yet scary, uneven, and windy road. A marathon not a sprint. A journey and not a diet. A life. A REAL, second chance to be healthy. I called my mom... and at 8:19 pm, we scheduled my appointment for March 29, 2017 at 7 am. ( THE BIG DAY *remember that?)

crazy how time has flown by. Honestly these past few weeks have been tough on me. I have not been my healthiest, yet I have not gained weight. I have been honest on my blog. I have shown y'all everything I have eaten. I have stress eaten.. I have BINGE eaten. I have craved, and caved. You name it, I have a name for it, and I've done it. My point being, sometimes I get so bothered by arguments, and tough situations I am surrounded by. I question why I am put in the ruts that I am in. I wonder why me? I think about what my life coulda woulda shoulda... and then I look back. It all happens for a reason.  Remember when I questioned the gastric bypass and almost didn't have surgery? Guess what?  THIS... blog would not be a thing. I would not be in Spain. You would not be reading this. I am not sure why, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Funny enough recently, someone that was dear to us said, Man plans, God laughs. It is really ironic isn't it?* ;) I am blessed to be surrounded by the most wonderful, strong, incredible family and best friends in the world. I am blessed for the life I have. I need to remind myself, that everything happens for a reason, and it will all work itself out. Do not be be fearful, have faith. 

** Oh and don't forget ( Karma will bite cha in the bootyyyy)