A blog about 3.15.17.
2 days before surgery
I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now it is unbelievable. I remember this day like it was yesterday. One year ago today.. I had the biggest emotional break down of my entire life. Lauren Solomon, my sister, was holding me on my bed in Mexico, while I balled crying to her about how I was conflicted. I was unsure. I was scared. I was terrified of the unknown. I was fearful. Realizing soon after that darkness is the absence of light, and fear is simply the absence of faith. I wasn't trusting in God because I was terrified of not knowing what would happen in my future.
My fears also being: "What if I can never eat normally again? What am I going to do at my wedding when I can't drink champagne? What if all of my hair really does fall out? Why can't I just be normal and eat what normal people eat? I just don't understand."
These thoughts flooded my mind and crowded my perception. People ask me, what were your doubts going into surgery.. well.. there they were. Lauren looked and reminded me to trust in what my grandfather has always told her. The big W and the little w, God's will and your will. There was my second chance at life, and I didn't know when else this could be a possibility.
It hit me that night. I finally could see a light. I could visualize a possitive, yet scary, uneven, and windy road. A marathon not a sprint. A journey and not a diet. A life. A REAL, second chance to be healthy. I called my mom... and at 8:19 pm, we scheduled my appointment for March 29, 2017 at 7 am. ( THE BIG DAY *remember that?)
crazy how time has flown by. Honestly these past few weeks have been tough on me. I have not been my healthiest, yet I have not gained weight. I have been honest on my blog. I have shown y'all everything I have eaten. I have stress eaten.. I have BINGE eaten. I have craved, and caved. You name it, I have a name for it, and I've done it. My point being, sometimes I get so bothered by arguments, and tough situations I am surrounded by. I question why I am put in the ruts that I am in. I wonder why me? I think about what my life coulda woulda shoulda... and then I look back. It all happens for a reason. Remember when I questioned the gastric bypass and almost didn't have surgery? Guess what? THIS... blog would not be a thing. I would not be in Spain. You would not be reading this. I am not sure why, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Funny enough recently, someone that was dear to us said, Man plans, God laughs. It is really ironic isn't it?* ;) I am blessed to be surrounded by the most wonderful, strong, incredible family and best friends in the world. I am blessed for the life I have. I need to remind myself, that everything happens for a reason, and it will all work itself out. Do not be be fearful, have faith.
** Oh and don't forget ( Karma will bite cha in the bootyyyy)