I am very honest with my readers. While I am being honest and open to each one of you, I tend to loose touch with some of my emotions during that process.
I am sad. I have been sad. I have neglected my own emotions while focusing so much on posting about the positive. While it seems easy to write it out on paper, the realization of this to myself was the HARDEST part. So often I find myself wanting to post happy videos because you know.. that is what everyone wants right? A Happy video. Everyone wants to see success. I post my failures too, I am very vulnerable. While I am vulnerable, and very public, I still obviously have my private life.
It all started this past week. I had family in town and for the first time, I felt like because I was hungry more often, that I would have to hide when I ate snacks. That quickly turned into me sneaking food.. like I was literally 12 again.
Then.. I got the news and have recently lost a loved one that was very important to me, and I am binge eating. With all of that in mind, I have gained 2-3 lbs. and it has really been bothering me.
Unlike the past 12 months of being down and back getting up, I have fallen and have not been wanting to move. I have been CRAVING foods that I haven’t craved in A YEAR. I have been eating food, I still cannot tolerate, that I haven’t eaten in a year. It becomes this cycle of sadness, eating, sadness because I am sick from eating, sadness from feeling gross and disappointed in myself, and waking up again, feeling okay, and then accidentally giving up on myself….OH AND REPEAT.
Today I have done better. I think it is okay to admit that we all are going to have low points in our lives, and things are going to happen. It is okay to cry. It is okay to mess up. I know people are going to read this and have their own opinions and say, “Look how hard you have worked, Don’t give up now.” I haven’t given up. It is a journey, and just because I have slip-ups does not mean that I am going to quit. I AM NOT a quitter. I am a go getter. I wanted to share this with y’all because while people see how much gastric bypass has been a God-send, emotional eating is still very much so something I struggle with daily. I have to work hard to get past this hump. Right now if you are struggling, or know someone who is struggling.. do not give them the advice in saying look how far you’ve come. In this time think about what you can do to overcome this current battle that you are fighting, and once you are strong enough to turn back, then look back and see how far you have come. I find that when I am in a state of mind like this, sad, I look back and I nit-pick all the situations that I have gone through and then end up being more sad and letting my cycle once again repeat.
Here is my plan:
I am going to take this one day at a time. Today I woke up.. had a bit of a slip up. I then took my vitamins, and my pre-workout and went to class. After class I went on my first jog in a LONG time. I keep making up excuses for not having time to workout… BUT that is such a lie… I have so much free time.. I just : do not want to do it. I am not perfect.
Funny side story—— while on my jog today I looked at myself and wanted to cry. I guess another reason I have been so sad lately is that I look HORRID. I have not felt so ugly in such a long time. I haven’t worn makeup in days. I want my fake lashes back, and my acrylic nails, but honestly, I just need to embrace my natural self, and make self the healthiest it can be. If I want to use strip lashes and put on makeup.. thats another story, but as for workouts, and longterm routines, MY SKIN has to be naturally fixed anyways.. why not start now. So….after I am done writing this blog, I am going to do my research and fix the following for the next 30 days.
- Teeth Whitening
- Hair/nail/Lashes growth
- UNDER EYE BAGS UGH
- Clearing up skin
- tightening skin (with ab challenge)
- Clearing up scaring on my face— it REALLY bothers me.
I thought hmmmmm what else can I do to start keeping myself accountable. DING DING DING*** a 30- day challenge.. hence my new ab challenge that I am going to TRY to do everyday. Abs are something you can literally do anywhere anytime. When it comes to eating, my appetite has definitely increased, and I am simply HUNGRY. So I will not deprive myself, but I will go to my house and make healthy food, and restock my vitamins. I need to also CLEAN, a clean house gives me a clear mind. I also think I desperately need to start keeping a list, TO DO: MY HOMEWORK, SINGING, FINISH BURN BY FRIDAY, yada yada. Lastly, I thought what else can I do to clear my head space, blog, song-write, and sing.
***WE ARE HUMAN, we are not perfect. We are ask allowed to make mistakes. Take it one day at time.
While y’all ask me for help and for my advice on how I lose weight, I am desperate to know how you clear your mind when you get upset? How do you get back up, when you feel down? I can’t preach it, if I am failing to teach it.
Sending my love to you all,