3.15.18

A blog about 3.15.17.

 2 days before surgery

I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now it is unbelievable. I remember this day like it was yesterday. One year ago today.. I had the biggest emotional break down of my entire life. Lauren Solomon, my sister, was holding me on my bed in Mexico, while I balled crying to her about how I was conflicted. I was unsure. I was scared. I was terrified of the unknown. I was fearful. Realizing soon after that darkness is the absence of light, and fear is simply the absence of faith. I wasn't trusting in God because I was terrified of not knowing what would happen in my future.

My fears also being: "What if I can never eat normally again? What am I going to do at my wedding when I can't drink champagne? What if all of my hair really does fall out? Why can't I just be normal and eat what normal people eat? I just don't understand." 

These thoughts flooded my mind and crowded my perception. People ask me, what were your doubts going into surgery.. well.. there they were. Lauren looked and reminded me to trust in what my grandfather has always told her. The big W and the little w, God's will and your will. There was my second chance at life, and I didn't know when else this could be a possibility. 

It hit me that night. I finally could see a light. I could visualize a possitive, yet scary, uneven, and windy road. A marathon not a sprint. A journey and not a diet. A life. A REAL, second chance to be healthy. I called my mom... and at 8:19 pm, we scheduled my appointment for March 29, 2017 at 7 am. ( THE BIG DAY *remember that?)

crazy how time has flown by. Honestly these past few weeks have been tough on me. I have not been my healthiest, yet I have not gained weight. I have been honest on my blog. I have shown y'all everything I have eaten. I have stress eaten.. I have BINGE eaten. I have craved, and caved. You name it, I have a name for it, and I've done it. My point being, sometimes I get so bothered by arguments, and tough situations I am surrounded by. I question why I am put in the ruts that I am in. I wonder why me? I think about what my life coulda woulda shoulda... and then I look back. It all happens for a reason.  Remember when I questioned the gastric bypass and almost didn't have surgery? Guess what?  THIS... blog would not be a thing. I would not be in Spain. You would not be reading this. I am not sure why, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Funny enough recently, someone that was dear to us said, Man plans, God laughs. It is really ironic isn't it?* ;) I am blessed to be surrounded by the most wonderful, strong, incredible family and best friends in the world. I am blessed for the life I have. I need to remind myself, that everything happens for a reason, and it will all work itself out. Do not be be fearful, have faith. 

** Oh and don't forget ( Karma will bite cha in the bootyyyy) 

Diary of an addict

"I am fine. I am okay. I am in love with myself. I am beautiful the way God made me. Screw the people that say I need to lose weight.. I DO NOT need to." I often used to say this to myself. 

Diet after diet.. change after change.. breakup after breakup.. I kept using my weight as my crutch.

Weight loss... it’s not just loosing weight. It’s a life changing emotional journey, that has many ups and downs. Tonight, for the first time since January, I realized I did this.. I DID THIS. This has been the ONE thing in my entire life that I can truthfully say I DID, and I am working so hard to continue to do so. I don’t see my weight loss, and I get very hard on myself. I see numbers, I see positive messages, but I do not feel worthy of the accomplishments that I have made. I don’t realize my self worth, even though I post often about health and self love. I get down on myself. The picture I posted tonight reminds me that no matter what I have been through, and what I go through...

I can do it, I am doing it, and I will continue to do it. I am doing it for ME. I am proud of ME. I did love myself. I look back at the old pictures and am ashamed. I am broken hearted that I didn’t see that I needed help. I needed saving. I’m blessed by the grace of God to have had the love and support from such amazing people. I seriously do not understand how I was blinded. I  sit back and recognize that it was, and is an addiction. I needed help. I needed someone to grab my hand and say DO IT. My bestfriend significantly pushed this, and without him bringing it to my attention.. I cannot say that I would honestly be living right now. I was sad. I was scared. I was living in a 330 lb body that was being controlled by an addiction. I was an addict. I am an addict. I just now have to take it ONE day at a time to overcome such a battle, and keep pushing forward. God gave me that second chance, you supported me through it, and I have to keep doing it.

Striving for progress not perfection

HI!! 

My past four months have been absolutley life changing. 

Over the summer I have been working very hard physically and mentally to be the best I can be. 

Before I left for Greece, I had honestly only worked out probably 10 times since surgery (including walks). My inspiration to workout only came about recently when, I realized that while having a small stomach is great, I have to remember,  "calories in, calories out." Meaning, while I still will probably loose weight without working out, eventually I will plateau and get stuck. Not only has working out helped me continue with a somewhat steady weightloss, it has mentally been wonderful for me. I do find myself constantly in a battle with myself. I always try to make up an excuse to not workout, but once I force myself to workout, I feel amazing.

One thing that has really changed recently is my energy level. While I do workout, have a routine, and eat healthy, at the end of the day, I am exhausted. I am still not sure why my body shuts off around 8 or 9pm on days that I workout, but it annoys me. I used to be able to go out with my friends and hangout and sing until 4 am. While I could still do so, I am literally almost a zombie by 10 or 11pm. I think it is just my body's way of saying, you need rest. I do find  myself having very extreme workout weeks, and then some very pathetic weeks where I cheat and have foods I should not and make excuses to not workout.

I am realllllly lucky to have the trainers that I do. I workout often with @CoachRayRay at ASD Dallas. I find that when I train with him my body gets so sore. (BEST SORE) We will work on body parts that I had no idea existed... haha. His workouts remind me of 1 hour boot camps, with intervals of cardio. After just a week of going to ASD I can physically notice a difference in my body. I love working on toning. Shifting gears..... Tim, my hero, agent, trainor, and practically uncle, kicks my butt. Our workouts range from pushing football sleds, to doing squats, to jogging, to doing high knees. When we workout, I feel like I really get in a lot of my cardio. Lastly I have been working with my good friend Claire Coggins. She has personally calculated everything out for me and our workouts, and always challenges me. We workout on every part of my body, but focus on weight lifting and use the HIIT training theory. On top of working with these awesome people, I try to walk. I find that while I say that, I do not... SO I purposefully will make little changes. Something as small as parking at the end of the parking lot, taking the stairs over an elevator, and even walking around the mall to shop to get in my steps, makes a significant change! 

What do yall do to keep you energized throughout the day after a workout?? I drink water, take my vitamins, and am fairly healthy.. so I really would love your advice!!!!!

Time for Takeoff

Time for some fun in the sun! School is out and summer has just begun. I have to admit this is one of my favorite times of the year. On Friday my dad brother and I flew to Saint Thomas. To be quite honest with you, as much as I love to travel, one of my least favorite things in the world to do is fly. I do not hate flying because of any other reason but one. Seat belts. 

I know many of you are reading that thinking, why in the world would you have a problem with seat-belts? Let me tell you, I've had nightmares about airplane seat-belts. Airplane seat-belts have always been a physical reminder to me of how heavy I am. It is so embarrassing to sit down on an airplane and not be able to buckle your seatbelt.

For the first time since surgery I got on the airplane and attempted to put on my seatbelt. To my own surprise, it fit. Not only did it fit, but it fit somewhat comfortably. I actually started crying on the airplane. It is crazy that something so small can't emotionally impact us and change our perspective on something. I reminded myself once again that it's not about the scale, obviously I've been working my butt off (literally), and it has started to pay off.

We arrived in St. Thomas, and were welcomed by delicious rum punch. Knowing that I would get dumping syndrome and get off track, I promised myself that I would not have any other drinks besides iced tea, lemon water, and cucumber water. (Of course I wanted that rum punch, but I'm trying to mentally retrain my thoughts) As the days fly by here, eating my meals have been difficult. Of course, I can order off of any menu and get a kids grilled chicken with vegetables, but  that is just so boring. Food has always been a comforting go to. Going on vacation, I've always told myself that I could eat and drink what I wanted, and really not do anything. This vacation was different. I haven't had anything but water, and the occasional Iced tea. I've had chicken and vegetables, and some fish.  I have watched my family eat and order fried food, and drink whatever they would like. It is hard, and it does suck.

Another thing that I have committed to on this trip is, working out, as you have previously seen on Instagram. Honestly, working out has inspired me not to want to cheat and to keep focusing on my goals. I never would've thought that being in pain from the gym would make me want to work out more, but it does! We all always say that we want to work out hard to get a beach body... but once we get to the beach, do we really have the right mentality? Do we all eat healthy on vacation, like we did for the months prior? Do we workout on vacation? For me, the term Beachbody seems quite ironic. 

If staying true to your beach bod, how do you order when you're on vacation? What is your workout motivation while you're out of town?