3.15.18

A blog about 3.15.17.

 2 days before surgery

I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now it is unbelievable. I remember this day like it was yesterday. One year ago today.. I had the biggest emotional break down of my entire life. Lauren Solomon, my sister, was holding me on my bed in Mexico, while I balled crying to her about how I was conflicted. I was unsure. I was scared. I was terrified of the unknown. I was fearful. Realizing soon after that darkness is the absence of light, and fear is simply the absence of faith. I wasn't trusting in God because I was terrified of not knowing what would happen in my future.

My fears also being: "What if I can never eat normally again? What am I going to do at my wedding when I can't drink champagne? What if all of my hair really does fall out? Why can't I just be normal and eat what normal people eat? I just don't understand." 

These thoughts flooded my mind and crowded my perception. People ask me, what were your doubts going into surgery.. well.. there they were. Lauren looked and reminded me to trust in what my grandfather has always told her. The big W and the little w, God's will and your will. There was my second chance at life, and I didn't know when else this could be a possibility. 

It hit me that night. I finally could see a light. I could visualize a possitive, yet scary, uneven, and windy road. A marathon not a sprint. A journey and not a diet. A life. A REAL, second chance to be healthy. I called my mom... and at 8:19 pm, we scheduled my appointment for March 29, 2017 at 7 am. ( THE BIG DAY *remember that?)

crazy how time has flown by. Honestly these past few weeks have been tough on me. I have not been my healthiest, yet I have not gained weight. I have been honest on my blog. I have shown y'all everything I have eaten. I have stress eaten.. I have BINGE eaten. I have craved, and caved. You name it, I have a name for it, and I've done it. My point being, sometimes I get so bothered by arguments, and tough situations I am surrounded by. I question why I am put in the ruts that I am in. I wonder why me? I think about what my life coulda woulda shoulda... and then I look back. It all happens for a reason.  Remember when I questioned the gastric bypass and almost didn't have surgery? Guess what?  THIS... blog would not be a thing. I would not be in Spain. You would not be reading this. I am not sure why, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Funny enough recently, someone that was dear to us said, Man plans, God laughs. It is really ironic isn't it?* ;) I am blessed to be surrounded by the most wonderful, strong, incredible family and best friends in the world. I am blessed for the life I have. I need to remind myself, that everything happens for a reason, and it will all work itself out. Do not be be fearful, have faith. 

** Oh and don't forget ( Karma will bite cha in the bootyyyy) 

Diary of an addict

"I am fine. I am okay. I am in love with myself. I am beautiful the way God made me. Screw the people that say I need to lose weight.. I DO NOT need to." I often used to say this to myself. 

Diet after diet.. change after change.. breakup after breakup.. I kept using my weight as my crutch.

Weight loss... it’s not just loosing weight. It’s a life changing emotional journey, that has many ups and downs. Tonight, for the first time since January, I realized I did this.. I DID THIS. This has been the ONE thing in my entire life that I can truthfully say I DID, and I am working so hard to continue to do so. I don’t see my weight loss, and I get very hard on myself. I see numbers, I see positive messages, but I do not feel worthy of the accomplishments that I have made. I don’t realize my self worth, even though I post often about health and self love. I get down on myself. The picture I posted tonight reminds me that no matter what I have been through, and what I go through...

I can do it, I am doing it, and I will continue to do it. I am doing it for ME. I am proud of ME. I did love myself. I look back at the old pictures and am ashamed. I am broken hearted that I didn’t see that I needed help. I needed saving. I’m blessed by the grace of God to have had the love and support from such amazing people. I seriously do not understand how I was blinded. I  sit back and recognize that it was, and is an addiction. I needed help. I needed someone to grab my hand and say DO IT. My bestfriend significantly pushed this, and without him bringing it to my attention.. I cannot say that I would honestly be living right now. I was sad. I was scared. I was living in a 330 lb body that was being controlled by an addiction. I was an addict. I am an addict. I just now have to take it ONE day at a time to overcome such a battle, and keep pushing forward. God gave me that second chance, you supported me through it, and I have to keep doing it.

My honest Reboot

I have not been fully honest with y'all. While loosing weight has been amazing, and my life has changed a lot, it is very hard for me. I have been struggling to love myself, and struggling to stay possitive through this terribly long plateau. I recorded this video to share how I am feeling about it all..below. 

I have been trying my hardest to REBOOT...ergo the REBOOT vitamin infusion from Vitaliv Therapies. 

Thank you all so much for your love and support. Simply put, I could not do it without you. 

Striving for progress not perfection

HI!! 

My past four months have been absolutley life changing. 

Over the summer I have been working very hard physically and mentally to be the best I can be. 

Before I left for Greece, I had honestly only worked out probably 10 times since surgery (including walks). My inspiration to workout only came about recently when, I realized that while having a small stomach is great, I have to remember,  "calories in, calories out." Meaning, while I still will probably loose weight without working out, eventually I will plateau and get stuck. Not only has working out helped me continue with a somewhat steady weightloss, it has mentally been wonderful for me. I do find myself constantly in a battle with myself. I always try to make up an excuse to not workout, but once I force myself to workout, I feel amazing.

One thing that has really changed recently is my energy level. While I do workout, have a routine, and eat healthy, at the end of the day, I am exhausted. I am still not sure why my body shuts off around 8 or 9pm on days that I workout, but it annoys me. I used to be able to go out with my friends and hangout and sing until 4 am. While I could still do so, I am literally almost a zombie by 10 or 11pm. I think it is just my body's way of saying, you need rest. I do find  myself having very extreme workout weeks, and then some very pathetic weeks where I cheat and have foods I should not and make excuses to not workout.

I am realllllly lucky to have the trainers that I do. I workout often with @CoachRayRay at ASD Dallas. I find that when I train with him my body gets so sore. (BEST SORE) We will work on body parts that I had no idea existed... haha. His workouts remind me of 1 hour boot camps, with intervals of cardio. After just a week of going to ASD I can physically notice a difference in my body. I love working on toning. Shifting gears..... Tim, my hero, agent, trainor, and practically uncle, kicks my butt. Our workouts range from pushing football sleds, to doing squats, to jogging, to doing high knees. When we workout, I feel like I really get in a lot of my cardio. Lastly I have been working with my good friend Claire Coggins. She has personally calculated everything out for me and our workouts, and always challenges me. We workout on every part of my body, but focus on weight lifting and use the HIIT training theory. On top of working with these awesome people, I try to walk. I find that while I say that, I do not... SO I purposefully will make little changes. Something as small as parking at the end of the parking lot, taking the stairs over an elevator, and even walking around the mall to shop to get in my steps, makes a significant change! 

What do yall do to keep you energized throughout the day after a workout?? I drink water, take my vitamins, and am fairly healthy.. so I really would love your advice!!!!!

Time for Takeoff

Time for some fun in the sun! School is out and summer has just begun. I have to admit this is one of my favorite times of the year. On Friday my dad brother and I flew to Saint Thomas. To be quite honest with you, as much as I love to travel, one of my least favorite things in the world to do is fly. I do not hate flying because of any other reason but one. Seat belts. 

I know many of you are reading that thinking, why in the world would you have a problem with seat-belts? Let me tell you, I've had nightmares about airplane seat-belts. Airplane seat-belts have always been a physical reminder to me of how heavy I am. It is so embarrassing to sit down on an airplane and not be able to buckle your seatbelt.

For the first time since surgery I got on the airplane and attempted to put on my seatbelt. To my own surprise, it fit. Not only did it fit, but it fit somewhat comfortably. I actually started crying on the airplane. It is crazy that something so small can't emotionally impact us and change our perspective on something. I reminded myself once again that it's not about the scale, obviously I've been working my butt off (literally), and it has started to pay off.

We arrived in St. Thomas, and were welcomed by delicious rum punch. Knowing that I would get dumping syndrome and get off track, I promised myself that I would not have any other drinks besides iced tea, lemon water, and cucumber water. (Of course I wanted that rum punch, but I'm trying to mentally retrain my thoughts) As the days fly by here, eating my meals have been difficult. Of course, I can order off of any menu and get a kids grilled chicken with vegetables, but  that is just so boring. Food has always been a comforting go to. Going on vacation, I've always told myself that I could eat and drink what I wanted, and really not do anything. This vacation was different. I haven't had anything but water, and the occasional Iced tea. I've had chicken and vegetables, and some fish.  I have watched my family eat and order fried food, and drink whatever they would like. It is hard, and it does suck.

Another thing that I have committed to on this trip is, working out, as you have previously seen on Instagram. Honestly, working out has inspired me not to want to cheat and to keep focusing on my goals. I never would've thought that being in pain from the gym would make me want to work out more, but it does! We all always say that we want to work out hard to get a beach body... but once we get to the beach, do we really have the right mentality? Do we all eat healthy on vacation, like we did for the months prior? Do we workout on vacation? For me, the term Beachbody seems quite ironic. 

If staying true to your beach bod, how do you order when you're on vacation? What is your workout motivation while you're out of town? 

What drives you?

WOW, I cannot believe that it has already been 6 weeks since my surgery. I feel like just yesterday I was sitting in Baylor Hospital prepping for "the big day". 

This week was great. I went on my first road trip since surgery. Now, I know many of you are thinking.. uh why would that matter?

SO, let me ask you:

When you go on road trips what do you do?

Do you take pit stops? Do you sleep? Do you scream are we there yet and annoy the living daylight out of your family and friends?

Well in my family, whenever we drive down to Houston we always stop at Bucee's. We would walk in to the gas station with our sweatpants on, hair in tangles up in buns, get the largest drinks, and most delicious (unhealthy) snacks to munch on. I can honestly say that not once in my life have I looked at the calorie content in each of the snack bags. I DEFFINITLEY never thought about how many grams of sugar were in a soda. I know you continue to read this and wonder why I am going on about Bucee's, here is why. This past weekend when we drove to Houston, I packed my own food. We did not stop at Bucee's. I had will power. Yes, we did stop at a gas station in between, and yes my brother got unhealthy snacks, but for the first time in my life, I did not crave them. It sounds so simple, but for me, this was a monumental moment in my life. Just like that, I knew the trip would be fabulous. 

It started off with a bang. I got to see my lovely cousins in Houston. My cousin Isabela, and I danced through Saturday night,(I got 15,000 steps) and it was honestly the most fun I think I have ever had. Sunday we all went to mass, and had a bbq for lunch. While everyone ate burgers for the meal, I focused on my goals. I served myself turkey, with grain mustard, a small low fat babybell cheese, and 4 olives. I know.. that kind of sounds terrible, but I was so satisfied, and not to mention.. so full.. A concept in which i'm not sure I will never fully understand!!! 

We drove back to Dallas late that night and continued on with the week. My weeks recently have consisted of the same things. I wake up, make breakfast, drink water 30 minutes after (with the gastric bypass process this is CRUCIAL), workout, help TAKE STOCK!!, eat?, drive around dallas, do squats, shower, eat again somewhere in there, and sleep.

This Wednesday there was a great change of pace. While I did continue to go about my day, I also had time to stop by Septien. Ever since I can recall, Septien has been my safe haven. I practically grew up there. When I was a kid I attended summer camps, and took lessons often. I learned to sing, act, and dance. With that, I learned the truest form of expressing myself while doing what I love. When I was 9, Remington recorded my first cover, Love you I do, by dream girls. Since then, he has recorded, and help me incredibly. Even to this day, I belive he is one of the most talented songwriters and producers I know. His mother, Linda Septien, is a powerhouse in the music industry, but more importantly such an incredible role model for me. Visiting yesterday made me realize that I really need to start kicking it in gear with my music again. I have not sang in over a month because my surgery has really taken a toll on my diaphragm. Thankfully visiting Septien has reminded me that I can do it. 

Over the past 6 weeks I have been through a lot. My entire life has changed, for the best. Throughout my process, out of all the weeks, this week has been the best week I have had yet. While change sometimes sucks, and cravings are the worst, I am slowly starting to recognize the love I have for myself, my music, and my life. I saw this week how much music has truthfully always been my passion. I felt a rush of inspiration to perform again after Wednesday night. I could not be more excited and ready for my future. If you had one thing which would inspire you to keep going in life.. what would it be? Better yet, what keeps you going now.. is it your passion?

“Recorded at Septien for an audition, by Remington. Originally sang by Tori Kelly. Cover by MC. ”

No easy "weigh" out

In life, there is no easy way out. This week, I realized that. Having gastric bypass surgery, has completely changed my life. I would not trade it for the world. Yet, like all big decisions we make, I still question myself. 

As much as I would love for my journey to be about constant positivity, and happiness, it is not. I have had my fare share of "tantrums" over the past week. Thoughts of binging and cheating frequently cross my mind. It would be so easy to just pick up a darn cookie. I just want to be allowed to eat ONE bite of watermelon... BUT I cannot. 

Yes I can eventually eat fruit, but right now I am in the "soft food" stage of my diet. My meals consist of low fat cheese, low fat yogurt, low fat cottage cheese, hummus, fish, and eggs, eggs, eggs. I can have bananas because they are soft, but in severe moderation. Even though I can have "soft" foods, I have to be very careful eating specially healthy soft foods. Mayo for example, is soft... Mayo has also made me sooooo sick. Along with mayo, anything too high in sugar, fat, and carbs will make me have "dumping syndrome". 

Gastric bypass is commonly known for the term dumping syndrome. For those who don't know what that is, let me explain. Dumping syndrome after gastric bypass surgery is when food gets “dumped” directly from your stomach pouch into your small intestine without being digested. There are 2 types of dumping syndrome: early and late. Early dumping happens 10 to 30 minutes after a meal. Late dumping happens 1 to 3 hours after eating. Each has slightly different symptoms, such as abdominal cramping, fast heartbeat, lightheadedness, and getting sick. It is the WORST THING EVER. Hindsight is 20/20. You learn quickly what you can and cannot eat. Every person with #rnysurgery (gastric bypass) struggles differently with dumping syndrome. 

So back to me wanting to cheat... I could if I REALLY wanted to.. BUT I would get sick. I have melt downs, and sad days when I actually ball my eyes out because I can't eat what everyone else eats. I am an addict. The reason I can't cheat is because for me, this is my option. Before surgery I had the choice to chose between my life with modifications, or my short road to depression, gaining weight, and a painful death. I chose life. I CHOOSE life. I do struggle, but I am getting through this, one day at a time. Everyday, more than the last, I work hard on retraining my brain. I try to refocus my passion for food onto something that is not food related.  I did have a physical surgery on my stomach, but in my mind, it was more than that. My surgery is a mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional new lifestyle that I promised myself, and God. How do I get through this rough patch? I pray. I ask for strength, and guidance. I sing. I songwrite about being upset. Most importantly, as my mom says, "One day at a time." 

How do you cope? 

Out and about

Hi guys! I quickly just want to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart for the support. I never realized that this blog would touch so many people, and I'm so blessed that it has.

As of yesterday, I am three weeks post op from my first original gastric bypass surgery. Late ‪Monday afternoon‬, I went to my first post op doctor appointment with Dr. Davis, at @Center for Metabolic and weight loss surgery at Dallas (on Facebook). 

Of course going to the doctors is never fun.  I thought to myself, what if he tells me I can't eat food yet? What if I have gained weight? what if this? What if that…?
I arrived to the office, and the first thing they did was weigh me. My nurse looked at me and said "Since, March 17, You have lost 38 pounds." I was floored, it's only been a month, and I haven't even gotten the chance to work out. After that I met with my doctor, Dr. Davis, and it was all so exciting. He said, "Your incisions look good, you look good, and now you are allowed to do whatever you want (meaning: I could drive, exercise moderately, and even help my mom run errands😂). 
As many of you know, I've been on a liquid diet for the past five weeks. That day, Dr. Davis gave me the OK to eat food... soft foods, but still, food. I don't think I've ever been so excited to hear the words, "you can eat an egg"  in my entire life. 

Afterwards my mind couldn't stop thinking about what I wanted to have for dinner. Of course me being a sushi fanatic, thought what better way to celebrate than with salmon. 
So, to commemorate the occasion, I took a short video. It is all about showing y'all what life as a gastric bypass patient, when it comes to eating for the first time. It was the weirdest thing. David, and I went to go fish poke, in Preston center. I walked up to the register and saw two bowls, a 24 ounce size, and 36 ounce size. I looked at the lady and laughed, and said, "do you guys have a kids menu?" I never thought in my entire life I be ordering off of the kids menu, but thankfully, they didn't have one. I explained my situation to the lady, and she let me order a la cart. I got a scoop of 2 ounces of salmon, and a scoop of 2 ounces of avocado. My whole meal cost four dollars. I sat down and thought... there is no way I i'm going to get full off of just this. I had to remind myself that it was all mental. I saw these one and a half ounce cups and decided I was going to separate my meal into them. I purposefully did so before I ate, to tell myself that I had to stop after I ate my portion. The weirdest thing happened, I got full of 1 1/2 ounces, which blew my mind. The way the gastric bypass works is as so: 60 g of protein a day, 60 ounces of water, low sugar, low-carb, and healthy fat. (Thank GOODNESS for my Doctor and his office for being so hands-on. These past five weeks I've been super stressed out and they have been beyond helpful with explaining whatever I have questioned.) 
Anyways, this was my first time eating with my new tiny belly, and I thought that I would share with you guys what it felt like. 
Last night, we cooked a perfect Chilean Seabass thanks too, Perle, from Jean Philippe. What is your favorite high-protein snack? Do you guys have any yummy recipes? Please share, I cannot wait to hear!